These phrases have great intentions, but offer less solace to those trying to make real change. While it may seem like the right thing to do, big sweeping decisions that alter the course of our lives can overshadow the smaller, more powerful lessons we can learn from these times. It doesn’t have to be, “Should I stay in this job or should I stay with my husband?” It can be much simpler: “Why do i feel this way about this person?” “Why haven’t I felt comfortable at this job?”  ”What efforts should I make now to get to where i want to be 3 years from now?”

Everything happens for a reason, but the reason is much simpler than we think. Perhaps it isn’t to teach every Wall St. analyst to quit his job, take up his dreams, and embark on a life based on his passions. What if the reason was just: learn something. Anything. About ourselves, our lives, our dreams, our goals. If instead of Earth-shattering realizations we learned the small lessons that ultimately created powerful changes in our lives, we would really be taking advantage of these troubling times.

Let’s not make it all or nothing. Let’s not get depressed if we’re unsure of our dream job or the career we want to create or be who we want to be. Let’s not feel upset at the person who uses this time to turn their life around and fulfill their dreams. Let’s create our own opportunity out of these times and learn something that sustains us for true transformation.

Transformation doesn’t happen overnight, though we fight to make it so. Sometimes it does, but it’s not fun to wait around for it. Embrace new ideas and goals and paths in your life with gusto. But if you find yourself overwhelmed, rest assured that you’re not alone, and that it’s completely normal to feel that way. Instead of trying to change everything in massive strokes, realize the lesson you need to learn from this time, be it saving a bit more money, taking stock of who you want to spend time with, giving more attention to self-care, do the thing you’ve been avoiding, stop running away from a problem.

It’s not just the BIG things we need to change and learn about from these times. Quite often the little steps lay the foundation for a great path, and it’s the smaller lessons that shape the way we lead our lives.

Words that help, words that hinder. Actions of initiative or inaction that leads to paralysis. 

When we’re troubled or uncertain, what makes things better and what makes us fall back into cycles of negative thinking?

We’re programmed to ride the wave of our emotions, to continue patterns we’re used to without considering the many things we could do that are far more helpful to our state of mind.

Knowing the strategies which help you confront fear and uncertainty, and being cognizant of those things that don’t serve you in moments where you need clarity, is a very useful tool that we don’t normally consider. 

For example, phrases that remind me of imminent future fears, “Turning over subconscious thoughts in your mind will help them manifest in reality” do not serve me in moments of uncertainty. If I’m thinking negatively about something, the awareness of the fact that it’s more likely to happen if I’m thinking about it incessantly, is not a helpful construct. So I don’t read or listen to those things that remind me of it. In those moments, something uplifting or that gives me hope for the future, something positive, which reminds me of the potential I have inside works much better. 

Get to know the things that work for you specifically.  Remind yourself of them and don’t expect them to work for the person next to you, or your husband, or your best friend. Seek out and use the tools that work for you.  You’ll be happy you did.

In Martial Arts there are two ways to meet an attack.

One method is to lean on your heels, waiting for the attack to come in. In this posture, all the weight is on heels. Ill-prepared to meet an attack, you usually lose because of your lax posture.

Or…

You get on your toes. You lean forward, knees bent, flexible and ready to meet what comes in. In this posture, you’re proactive and probably win.

These same postures apply to our lives. When things get out of control and we’re overwhelmed with things to do, people to see, or deadlines to meet, we can adopt one of these postures. We either meet the attack head on, ready for whatever may come in, or we relax and let it hit us straight on.

The Ironman Triathalon doesn’t take just anyone. You not only have to know how to swim, bike, and run, but you have to be really good at all three to win.

The mindset of the successful Ironman competitor is simple. If you’re naturally talented at all three skills, you’ve got it made. You’re lucky and rare.

If you’re great at running and biking, but need to improve swimming, you have a hard road ahead. You don’t wince about the extra effort spent swimming because you realize it’s part of the race. If you don’t swim well, you don’t win, no matter how great you bike or run.

These competitors tell themselves “I’m going to get good at it” in order to accomplish their goal. Putting in the extra effort and concentrating on swimming, they often decrease their overall time in the race. They know the power of focused attention in the direction of a challenge; the extra time spent swimming is time well spent at the end of the race.

If you’re not good at all 3,why not win at something else?

A central tenet of Martial Arts is “Partners not Opponents.”

When you think of someone as a partner, there’s no aggression, no ego, no need to outperform. Instead, there’s teaching and learning, sharing to make each other better.

Working together like this helps both the skilled partner and the novice. The novice learns technique and skill through gentle example, and the teacher learns restraint. The novice learns not to fear the highly skilled Martial Artist because in fact, it’s the same Martial Artist who will teach him to be great. The trained Martial Artist learns to check his ego and his penchant for control over and over again.

Our differences in background, skill level, our strengths and shortcomings, mean nothing when we we practice together as partners. Those small things pale in comparison to the reciprocal and harmonious interaction between two partners.

Practice as partners.

You didn’t know you were a Kung Fu master, did ya?

We all want to progress and improve. We all want success and to achieve goals that make us proud, and to help others around us.

That’s a really good thing.

In order to do those things, some days you just need to live. Be honest with yourself about your good intentions and forget how big the world is. Some days it’s just about breakfast and the laundry and filling yourself up with things that make you feel whole. Read the unopened mail, open the windows, hike outside with kids. Some days it’s not about measuring progress or how much you’ve achieved-it’s knowing that you’ve achieved something already just by trying.

Amidst the chaos, the quiet moments in life are a prerequisite to accomplishing the big, bold things. Live in these moments fully. See how they enrich the louder moments. Savor them.

Then start striving.

Repeat this for the rest of your life.

Failure scares people. Rejection can be a painful experience. Many people are more scared to give a speech in front of their peers than they are of death itself. It seems ridiculous, but the reality is that for many many people, the anxiety associated with failure crippling.

The flipside (the Truth) is, if you embrace failure as something inevitable and natural, something that’s bound to happen, it actually becomes a good thing. Failing gets your mistakes out of the way and makes room for improvement. In sales, getting nine “No’s” out of ten gets you closer to hearing the “Yes” you’ve waited for. Along the way you’ll learn what circumstances and skills help attain success.

When I fear failure, I ask myself:

a.) Will anyone get severely injured or die if I make this mistake? No.
b.) If Earth were to explode tomorrow, would I really see Angelina Jolie or just a regular person?

Extreme? Yes. Effective? Very. It checks my state of mind, fast.

Athletes combat their fear every time they step out on the court. The enormous weight of public pressure doesn’t keep them from playing; they know that each game someone has to lose. They don’t sit on the bench each time they feel a pang of fear.

Bill Gates faced an enormous amount of rejection to get Microsoft to it’s height today. Each “No” he received improved his product and brought him closer to achieving the high standard and success we associate with Microsoft.

It takes a lot of experience to meet failure with courage. Why not get started and quickly get the pesky rejections out of the way?

Hercules is strong. But like the rest of us, he needs help every now and again.

One day Hercules was outside and he saw a nasty-looking beast rear its head on the side of the road. He took his club and smashed the beast’s head. To his surprise, the beast grew three heads instead of one. He struck it again and this time it grew six heads. The harder and faster Hercules struck, the larger the beast grew. Suddenly, Athena appeared. “Hercules!, Can’t you see? Stop hitting Strife (the monster)! Keep hitting him and he grows. Leave him and he returns to its original size.”

In William Ury’s “Power of a Positive No” the example illustrates how reacting to someone during an argument will cause them to get angrier. I think of the myriad situations in our lives that invite knee-jerk reactions or negative emotions because of the lack of control over our circumstances. Strife means turmoil, upset, uncertainty. You can’t think or see clearly. It’s Hercules beating the beast without noticing how big it’s growing (i.e. constant action in the wrong direction.)

Sometimes things happen that we don’t understand (Why did I suddenly lose my job? Why has this illness befallen me?) How often do we react, keep trying to fix things, worrying ourselves to death? We act like Hercules when we don’t understand the more we react, the more things spiral out of control. Leaving it alone for a while, retreating and coming back with a clearer head (or three) is a wiser option. It’s better to think about the solutions without stress or angst and focus on your needs, the larger goal at hand.

Next time you’re in a bind and can’t find a way out, remember Hercules and the beast.

In tennis, No-man’s land is not where you want to be. The space between the baseline and volley line, it’s where you’ll likely hit the least shots.

The problem with no-man’s land is that you reach too far to hit long balls and too far to hit short balls. The middle is not an advantageous position as you flail and stretch for balls that soar past you or one’s that are just shy of your grasp. You feel breathless and mixed-up.

The name itself sounds lonely and desperate, like a desert where you go to die.

When I played tennis I didn’t understand this concept. I thought the middle was the nicest, most effective place to be. Shouldn’t it make it easier to hit both long and short balls from the center? A natural hitter, I thought that positioning myself in the prime real estate nobody else wanted was an advantage.

At my coach’s behest, I consciously tried to avoid no-man’s land, but it felt like the smart place to be to prepare for whatever came in.

Pretty quickly, my tennis started to suck. I flailed around and ran speedily back to reach long balls and back as fast as I could to reach short ones. I was a chicken with my head cut off and the courts filled with little kids waiting to kick my ass. I saw that my techniques weren’t working and that perhaps heeding the advice that seemed counterintuitive to me would improve my game. I avoided no-man’s land at all costs.

I soon realized that I loved no-man’s land not because it mentally prepared to hit better, but because it didn’t force me to make a decision. The middle was safe place to be, and I didn’t have to choose my positioning based on what came in. I just hit whatever came in.

Tennis is a split-second sport. Michael Chang is intense and his feet move fast. He anticipates and makes a decision even before his opponent serves up a ball. He wins. My indecision in no-man’s land weakened everything about my game. I saw that I was scared of making a wrong decision and failing, and knew that the middle didn’t give me nearly as much anxiety as hitting from the baseline or the volley line. It was there where I could miss a shot if I chose wrong.

Being pro-active improved my game, but I also realized that failing was inevitable at times. Sometimes I chose wrong and missed shots. But at least I chose. Staying in no-man’s land was a constant failure, and the alternative of making a decision but chancing a wrong move felt much better to me.

Sometimes the things that seem most natural or smart or intuitive for us are just rationalizations because we’re scared of the alternatives. I saw this clearly with my tennis game and realized I needed to anticipate, prepare, and make the decisions that are the hardest to make-Chang-style.

Language is important.

When helping others or giving advice/feedback, language is critical in determining the outcome of the situation. It sets the tone for how both parties will feel after the interaction is over.

When we use “we” “our” “us” instead of the singular “I” “you” “me” that we’re so often used to, it creates a shared mindset, and conveys the important transfer of emotion in sales, job interviews, etc. It helps communicate that we actually care about the other person and their problem and in collaborating with them to solve it. It also shows that we’re willing to be part of the process, integrate ourselves into the problem and its solution, and incorporate ourselves into the culture we’d like to be in.

Using the right words goes a long way in helping the other person, but also has the potential to improve others perceptions of you. If you’re genuine and honest about helping someone, then using “we” gives them the opportunity to see how involved you are. In job interviews, using “we can improve our client relations by doing X” you’re already injecting yourself into the atmosphere, letting them audibly hear you say it, and allowing them to visualize it in their minds. Its a powerful tool in helping others see just what your words are trying to convey.

“We’ll work together to get this done” emphasizes collaborative intentions and outcomes. It communicates your interest, enthusiasm, and concern.

I spoke to a non-profit about their marketing yesterday. Using “why don’t we reach out to the people we’re already connected with?” and “our blogging efforts so far have been slow” changed the tone of the conversation. They didn’t expect an embracing and collaborative approach and were pleasantly surprised to hear someone as invested in their message as they were. It helped me help them more.

If you’re not helping someone because you believe in them/their message, stop. If you do believe, then show them that through your language. It’s as simple as consciously switching one letter in your words: “we” for “me.”