I read something last month that I haven’t been able to get out of my head (especially this week.) It was a phrase from uberblogger, Danielle Laporte. She’s one the strongest gals I know so whenever she hands out piece of wisdom (wrapped with chutzpah), i listen.

She wrote: Your strengths are not necessarily the things that you do well, but rather the things that make you feel strong.”

I loved this as soon as I read it. It immediately focused my attention on something I like to think about a lot – self-care. Because a huge part of feeling strong is knowing how to care for yourself and give yourself what you need when you’re weak or strong. I liked this because it reminded me of what enriched me or nurtured me, in essence, what made me feel strong. To be fed is what makes me feel strong.

It took the focus off the things that I seemingly continue to reach for in “developing my strengths” or thinking about my “superpower” or giving someone my “elevator pitch” (all useful things, of course.)

I was pleasantly surprised when I found that some (not all) of what makes me feel strong- i.e. my ability to connect with others and see the best in them, generosity toward others, and a strong propensity to reflect and learn from life lessons – just also happened to be my strengths, the very things I did well and didn’t really give myself credit for.

What strengthens you that you may overlook in your daily life? How would your posture and the way you walk through the world change if you knew that your strengths actually depended on what made you feel strong – not what you think you did well for others? A wonderful writer and Buddhist Monk,Pema Chodron, asks, “Why do we look for strength in all the wrong places?”

I don’t know, Pema. Maybe because it’s easy. Maybe because we’re trained to from a young age. Maybe because everyone else does. I really don’t really know, but i think i’m starting to find the answer.

I try to acknowledge my emotions, but sometimes even after I “recognize” what I’m feeling, I just can’t shake the mood. At this point (which feels fatal), I’ve discovered that humor is a powerful tool in making my thoughts more “life-giving” as Parker J. Palmer puts so beautifully. Because life feels “unsurvivable” at times (another great Parker term) being light with our emotions drops some of the weight and makes the heaviness seem handle-able. 

It’s hard to access this state of mind in the moment, but when i do, it has a profound effect on my system. Instead of freaking out and letting my hormones go into full-tilt hard-wired mode and flood my system, I immediately interrupt them by being ruthless with my thoughts. Sometimes I even shake my head to jolt my brain. If you’re thinking: “But the point is that thoughts are hard to stop!” I totally understand this. But if I catch myself when I start to freak-out and PRACTICE bringing in humor, it’s much easier to pull myself back from the spiral of negativity I was so close to entering. As silly as it sounds, I laugh. Or tell a joke. Or don’t take myself so seriously. It’s even better if you’re with someone else in a similar mood and you do something funny or stupid or say something completely out of character that surprises them and makes them laugh. This stops the habitual pattern of remaining in, sitting in, the negativity that underlies a lot of my moods. It might sound desperate, but I love it. To be clear though, this isn’t the same thing as watching The Office or Scrubs or listening to something funny on the radio. It has to be active and it has to come from you.  

Ironically, bringing humor in and letting go adds to the feeling of power and control over my actions. I’m much more able to handle what’s on my plate and the project or blog post or article or pile of laundry feels less life or death.

I didn’t realize the impact of how humor affected me until I forgot to do it one day (vicious habits) and fell into my old mental traps. The results were disastrous and i chided myself for not remembering this cool tool that usually has a way of making me feel better. So when Parker asks, “Are your thoughts and actions “life-giving?” it touches me very deeply. Life-giving. Do they give you life? Do they give you back your life? Because sometimes it life feels like my life isn’t my own, it’s been hijacked by my thoughts and habits.

Humor gives me the ability to carry on living life. It allows me to make life-affirming and “life-giving” decisions, even in the midst of my thousand pound mood.

What if for one day you lived as honestly and as raw as you could – and told yourself you were right about every single thing you did and said and thought. What if you operated from the space that not one single opinion mattered except yours and that you had every ounce of knowledge, every piece of wisdom, every significant experience that you needed to live the fullest life you imagined. What if you welcomed whatever consequences arose from that day?

Bad or good, what if you accepted them because they were yours? 

Does that change the space from which you operate? Does it change how much you say and to whom you say it? Does it allow you to be more fully alive, alert, at attention with everything you are? Or does it make you feel silly, awkward, maybe scared?  

Perhaps it does both. Like it does for me every time I open myself up to, well…me. And while i can’t do it everyday, this exercise, this experiment in truth (Gandhi did a lot of these), is not one of delusion but one of extreme honesty and integrity in learning about myself. 

On that day, seeking nothing more, wanting nothing less, I am simply a vessel for myself.

Did you do a double take on that headline? 

Did you think I was careless and made a typo? 

If you didn’t, congrats on being “detail-oriented” (I am on my resume.) 

If you did then you’re just like me. I read those words three times just to make sense of them in Susan Jeffers book Embracing Uncertainty (because yep, even in the middle of a great project, meaningful work,and great opportunity, lies weird transition-mode and full-blown uncertainty.) Not only is this a pretty big typo, I thought, but in the self-help genre it’s pretty careless to make a mistake like that knowing that your audience lives for the right words to inspire them. Warrior/worrier could make or break someone’s day, no?

Might sound melodramatic, but I believe Hazrat Inayat Khan when he says, “Words that enlighten the soul are more precious than jewels.”

Words matter. They matter to your grey matter. Words make a difference. I read books – whether business and marketing or spiritual – with full consciousness of what I’m consuming, and I’m serious about which words I give my attention to. Here’s why:

Words have a power and energy that goes beyond our subconscious mind. They sink in in ways we can’t quite make sense of. So when I realized it wasn’t a typo, I let the words really sink in and thought about the distinction between Warrior and worrier. It was this time – when I wasn’t judging, just contemplating, that I saw what a profound effect this seemingly little moment had on me. Like when i finally understood how to calculate tip at the end of a meal.

Here’s where I think Ms. Jeffers was going with this metaphor (illustrated by an embarrassing, but honest story.)

Tuesday I woke up with a mountain of anxiety. Too much to do, “branding” decisions which questioned my core, little control over resources. What’d I do? I freaked. I sat overwhelmed by it all and didn’t write the blog I wanted to, didn’t exercise and didn’t even order-in dinner let alone cook it. And on and on and on. I was a puddle lying on the floor in fetal position. You know how it is. 

Totally gave in to my worrier. Not only did I not do my “work” but I felt defeated that I succumbed to the spiral of negative thinking that has a life of it’s own. 

Cut to Wednesday, where I introspected a bit, regained (some) control over my mind, and made some progress.  Thursday rolls in and what happens? I wake up and house things. I rock out, do my work, make decisions, execute, delegate. All the stuff that the warrior part of myself naturally does. I felt powerful and efficient.

So what really changed? Same bed, same breakfast, same Lipton tea. Nothing at all, really.

Except EVERYTHING. I made the one defining choice that structured how my day went. I identified with the Warrior. I remembered what Tuesday felt like and chose to override every lame thought, idea, or habit pattern (because habits are a whole different category of crazy) that entered my mind that day. Did I wake up with anxiety, for sure. I don’t think entrepreneurs go for days (or moments) without it. Did I have too much to do? Yes. Did I have more control over resources than I did earlier? Not really, just had more control over my perception.

The only difference was my choice. I just chose to be the Warrior-me. I chose to give power to the parts of myself which moved me forward, not kept me in stagnant thinking. I realize how much of our daily state of mind, our thoughts, and in turn our actions, are influenced by the words we choose to identify with. The visuals and images and words that uplift us and make us remember our true inner potential, or the words that bring us down, are critical of ourselves and others, words that leave us in a cycle of self-hatred. 

The similarity in the words is THE point. The only point. 

Intellectually, i’ve known the power behind our choice of words, but this typo moment spun my head around it on a molecular level.

I was going to put a “worrier” pic next to the Warrior up there too – just to be fair to the side that’s within all of us and needs love and likes attention, but NO. Like words, visuals have power. And I’m choosing to focus on what makes me strong. The WARRIOR. The powerful, divine, honest, and strong part of myself that allows me to move forward.

Sometimes he kicks it with his worrier counterpart, othertimes he just kicks his ass.

hard worker!

You know you are when:

They’re professional and respectful – in person and especially in emails 

Where some people let their guard down, they err on the side of less, not more. They throw in bits of humor and insight instead of lengthy “casual” conversation.

And i’m no angel. I’ve been a culprit of sending emails that I dain to receive – it’s embarrassing when you realize the person on the other end is embarrassed for you. So I make it a practice to be conscious and present when I interact with others. 

That doesn’t mean that i’m not myself. It means I try every time to take the best of who I am and combine it with the professionalism I know I possess.

Also, people in the “creative” world aren’t married to the lax, disorganized, “hip” way of doing business. The best creative minds I know have respect for themselves and their work enough to present themselves in a professional manner and not just use the “artsy” way of doing things as a scapegoat for bad business etiquette.

They don’t respond to every email you send.

Know why? Because they’re busy doing actual work. I’ve been on the receiving end of emergency emails that were never really an emergency. I’ve also sent out emails, once 5 on the same day to the same person with different questions.

Heinous! Don’t do it.

Recently, I had a delightful experience working with a designer (this post is largely based on my interaction with him) who was uber calm about the information i sent his way. Whether it was files, ideas or feedback – he simply took the information he needed from my emails, did his work, and sent finished work back. He addressed my questions in the work, and if they needed clarification, explained them briefly.

It was a relief to not have a consistent stream of back and forth and feedback is just as easily done over phone or skype. Mission accomplished with little thrashing in between.

They take information (i.e. your chaos) and make sense of it.

Someone’s attitude about the information they receive is just as important as what they do with it. The people who are best at separating the wheat from the chaffe are also the ones who remain calm in the sea of endless information, ideas, and emails. They look at what they have, prioritize, and project a sense of control (even if they don’t have it internally!) on the work. 

I love it when a confident person sees chaos coming and doesn’t try to bolt. They simply ask great questions and respond with clear instructions of what they’ll do and how they’ll do it. 

I know it sounds like a lot to ask of a person. The thing is is that now that I’m aware I like this in others, I really try hard to practice it myself. It’s something that changes the way you walk through the world. 

They work fast.

It takes an enormous amount of mental energy to get over the inertia of starting a project. Once you do, you just want to get it done. I know I get frustrated during a stagnant phase of a project when it seems like no one’s doing anything. The web guy isn’t coding. You’re not thinking of ideas. The designer and copyeditor are MIA. 

All of a sudden one person gets back on their game and deliver fast, quality work and the momentum’s back (and that person is priceless.) 

Quick feedback loops are key. I usually respond to feedback the same day or next for projects, and it makes things run much smoother when you get people what they need in a timely way. It allows doesn’t allow for a stagnant period to creep in.

They offer opinions confidently and show their skills through the project, not by talking about them.

Recently, my designer described for me a direction to take with our project from his perspective: “From a design standpoint, the reason I did X was this,” and “from my experience, this is what I’ve learned and this is what i think.” He brought up facts I missed or hadn’t thought of and stated his point clearly. It’s always great to have someone creative thinking of ideas to excel.

They’re flexible working within your vision of the project.

They’re confident, but flexible. They don’t get irritated if their ideas aren’t used, and want what’s best for the project. I was relieved to hear from my designer when we differed on design elements, “No worries. I want you to be happy so i’m willing to work within this framework to make something you’re proud of.” That’s someone you want on your team, and even-mindedness goes a long way.

They’re on time with appointments and phone calls

Professionalism makes a strong impression. The best is to be a human, connect, and respect their time by keeping the conversation relegated to the task at hand. 

They’re meticulous and show interest in feedback

They listen when you talk. They take notes during meetings. They respond to feedback and questions through their work. Their inclination for self-improvement shows through through their striving.

They have forward motion 

They ask questions like, “What’s the deadline?” “What’s your vision for this?” “Have you thought about X?” “Can you send me X so I can finish Y and move onto Z?”

They think about actionable next steps and even if they’re hired for a particular aspect of the project, they’re in it for the long haul and say, “What’s the future of this?”

I had a revelation when my designer and I were almost done with our project, but there were still some tweaks that needed to be made. I asked him how he thought it was going. “If we were at 0% on Tuesday, I think we’re 70% there now.” I was relieved that despite all the great work we (he) had done, there was still room for improvement. It showed we were on the same page of how we measured quality and effort.

They have a make-it-happen attitude (the “MIH”)

If they’re not sure of something, they’re honest about it: “I’m not sure how familiar I am with X,” but then make an effort to find out. They research and think about it and come back with either a solution or an answer on how to find the solution. I don’t care if I have to google something and go on some forums, if someone asks me something I don’t know, I always feel it’s better to have something rather than nothing to offer. Usually I freak out internally for a while and then after that, do the legwork to figure it out. 

Having someone willing to solve problems outside of their expertise or think outside their comfort zone is such an asset. 

They get things done!

Fundamental, but true. And often overlooked. 

They may flail around and have anxiety over they’re work, but regardless, they deliver. They make deadlines (sometimes early!) and don’t worry that it might need tweaks or changes. Because it will. They realize that the sooner they get it done, the sooner they get feedback and can improve.

“An ounce of reliability is worth a pound of brains” is so true.

The day after i met and described a project to a designer, he had a template created. He sent it to me and not only did it show his design chops, but also his work ethic. Without referring solely to payment or legal stuff, he just went out and did a bunch of work with the risk of someone saying “I’m not sure i like that.” He put himself out there. I respect that tremendously. He didn’t wait 2 days to think about the project, wait another day to email me, and another day for me to get back to him. He just did it. 

Also, even though they discuss money, they don’t bring it to the forefront. They’re focused on the project and progress of it. That inevitably makes you want to pay them more than what they ask for! 

They have other things to do

This might sound crazy, but the fact that he wasn’t always available made me value our time and meetings about the project. Also, it showed me he was involved with other work and committments, something which successful people have in their lives. I had no qualms about him delivering what he said he would because he already proved he could. 

They’re genuinely nice people

In addition to being overall awesome and doing good work, it’s always a bonus when someone feels genuinely grateful that you like their work. Since my current designer is stellar, I can’t help but shower him with affection every time we talk. It’s just natural because I respect his effort and what he produces, and it’s always nice to hear, “Thanks, that means a lot.” 

This post actually scares me a bit because I realize how much demand there is for someone remarkable. That if you possess even a fraction of these qualities, you’re already a cut above the rest. Writing this makes me see how I need to revisit my own work ethic and ability to deliver. I’m going to use this post as a reminder to practice where I can improve. You should do it too!

That leaves me thinking about it for the next few weeks constantly, knowing that I have things to say but not the right words to express them.

I think way too much about blogging, writing,(life in general, really) and sometimes I just need to bite the bullet. I’m at risk of TMI in these particular types of posts, but i’m giving myself the liberty to write things that suck. Perhaps bigtime. And for you to read them. And they may not all be about entrepreneurship or writing or the creative process or anything relevant to anyone but me.

But apart from “growing an audience” (which is not my goal) isn’t a blog meant for yourself anyway? To stimulate thought and express ideas, emotions, transitions, the grey stuff of life we feel but don’t talk about? I think so. So I can’t guarantee that all posts will be helpful, but i know for a fact they’ll be honest. 

This is me taking simple action to get myself back in the habit of blogging, of writing, of getting over the fear that it’s all been said and there’s nothing more to add and blase blase blase. We’ve heard it all before from the millions of tortured people who claim they “write.”

Well now i do again.

Not sure if this was smart, but boy did it feel good.

couldn’t find a pic that matched my mood

Time is an illusion. Don’t measure it by the amount of hours/effort you put in, measure it by goals you accomplish.

A lofty goal combined with serious effort gets results.

Doing things quickly and repetitively helps you get over anxiety about failure.

Making a decision is more important than doing things perfectly.

When in the dip (the tedious execution phase), remember the larger goal of your project and the value it provides to the world.

You don’t have to do everything alone.

Good things await when you take a risk (a smart one), no matter how afraid you are.

If you win, you win. If you lose, you win. (From Rocky and stepping out of your comfort zone.)

When you think you’ve reached your limit, do more.

You just might waste your life away in idleness and bullshit if you’re not careful.

Taking initiative matters.

Being who you want to be and who you think you really are is largely a decision.

Flexibility is your biggest asset.

You don’t have to do things like everyone else.

Focus on what matters. Few things matter, but those that do need maniacal focus.

Getting rejected is ok. In fact, if you do it quick enough, rejection speeds up your road to success. (Similarly, rejection doesn’t matter until you stop trying. Once you stop trying, getting rejected becomes a big deal.)

Taking care of the things (and people) you love in your life matters everyday, no matter how busy you are.

Learn the language of the people you wish to speak to and communicate with (French or analytics.)

Don’t stay busy. Get real things done that matter (ignore what looks like your job and focus on what really is your job.)

The best instruction I’ve ever heard on the spiritual path is to stay. Stay with that feeling of anxiety, of fear. Stay with the discomfort of embarrassment or humiliation. Stay with your anger, don’t hold onto it, but stay with it. Instead of running away as we always do, or reaching for something, anything, to ease our pain in that moment, stay. Stay nailed right to the spot.

Staying doesn’t mean getting consumed by it. It means immersing yourself in it with awareness. Perhaps you’ll find that your feeling starts to dissolve around your awareness, or perhaps not. The thing is, you’ll only find out by starting to stay.

Pema Chodron is the creator of this idea of staying, and she talks about it beautifully in her book, When Things Fall Apart.

These phrases have great intentions, but offer less solace to those trying to make real change. While it may seem like the right thing to do, big sweeping decisions that alter the course of our lives can overshadow the smaller, more powerful lessons we can learn from these times. It doesn’t have to be, “Should I stay in this job or should I stay with my husband?” It can be much simpler: “Why do i feel this way about this person?” “Why haven’t I felt comfortable at this job?”  ”What efforts should I make now to get to where i want to be 3 years from now?”

Everything happens for a reason, but the reason is much simpler than we think. Perhaps it isn’t to teach every Wall St. analyst to quit his job, take up his dreams, and embark on a life based on his passions. What if the reason was just: learn something. Anything. About ourselves, our lives, our dreams, our goals. If instead of Earth-shattering realizations we learned the small lessons that ultimately created powerful changes in our lives, we would really be taking advantage of these troubling times.

Let’s not make it all or nothing. Let’s not get depressed if we’re unsure of our dream job or the career we want to create or be who we want to be. Let’s not feel upset at the person who uses this time to turn their life around and fulfill their dreams. Let’s create our own opportunity out of these times and learn something that sustains us for true transformation.

Transformation doesn’t happen overnight, though we fight to make it so. Sometimes it does, but it’s not fun to wait around for it. Embrace new ideas and goals and paths in your life with gusto. But if you find yourself overwhelmed, rest assured that you’re not alone, and that it’s completely normal to feel that way. Instead of trying to change everything in massive strokes, realize the lesson you need to learn from this time, be it saving a bit more money, taking stock of who you want to spend time with, giving more attention to self-care, do the thing you’ve been avoiding, stop running away from a problem.

It’s not just the BIG things we need to change and learn about from these times. Quite often the little steps lay the foundation for a great path, and it’s the smaller lessons that shape the way we lead our lives.

In Boston, students dominate the landscape. Starbucks and backpacks for miles. I spent some time teaching English to international students, and although I was the teacher, I learned a lot about myself and in general from my students (who couldn’t believe that a small, smiley Indian was their English teacher.)

The greatest thing I discovered, besides the fact that English is hard to teach and even harder to learn, is that the learning process is complicated and full of components, a huge one being comfort. How a student takes in knowledge is important, but really, what I noticed was that a certain comfort level needed to be established before any learning could take place.

For international students especially, those far from home, in a strange land (yes, America is strange), learning a new language with new peers is daunting. Although we went over grammar well (as well as one can), we spent a great deal of time talking about their time in the U.S., their friends and parents at home, their future careers, their apartment hunts in the city, etc.

One student, Anna, from Spain, was a great student, totally open and receptive to learning, but I noticed that she always seemed a bit nervous or blue or just uncomfortable, but I couldn’t put my finger on why. We spoke after class one day and turns out she was feeling hugely isolated in Boston, away from her family, and mingling with students half her age (She was a business professional learning English for work.) I totally empathized as feeling isolated and missing my family is something i’ve always felt when I’m away, and we talked about that for a few minutes. She’s Spanish, so I knew my usual affection, something that might weird other people out, would go a long way with her. We connected and talked about her fears and from that minute on, things changed. Not that Anna was more teachable, but she was much more open to life. Big difference.

Our interaction took on a different tone, and it was as though a huge weight had been lifted simply by talking about her fears and anxieties. I saw that those few minutes dismissed any potential problems she may have had about being in Boston, and that the slightest reference to her discomfort made it disappear. Left unchecked, I think it would have loomed, dominated her mind, and the outcome would have been entirely different. I bet she would have still learned English, but that her experience would not have brought many worthwhile memories.

Once you prove to someone you care, they start to care about proving to you their end of the bargain. I knew Anna wanted to prove to me that she could be happy and learn English well, and I was glad we had a respect for each other in that regard.

Sometimes the goal (learning English) may be better served by not recognizing the goal and instead thinking about the lead-up to achieving that goal, i.e. getting students to a level of comfort, within themselves and with me, enough to want to learn English. Realizing that there’s a reason that a person is coming to a situation the way they are is a useful skill. Recognizing and acknowledging the depth of what they’re bringing with them (emotionally and mentally) is even more important.

Please forgive any grammar mistakes in this post, and just to make it useful, here’s a link to who vs. whom, so you can finally let go of (some) of your grammar frustration. Because it’s important.