I read something last month that I haven’t been able to get out of my head (especially this week.) It was a phrase from uberblogger, Danielle Laporte. She’s one the strongest gals I know so whenever she hands out piece of wisdom (wrapped with chutzpah), i listen.

She wrote: Your strengths are not necessarily the things that you do well, but rather the things that make you feel strong.”

I loved this as soon as I read it. It immediately focused my attention on something I like to think about a lot – self-care. Because a huge part of feeling strong is knowing how to care for yourself and give yourself what you need when you’re weak or strong. I liked this because it reminded me of what enriched me or nurtured me, in essence, what made me feel strong. To be fed is what makes me feel strong.

It took the focus off the things that I seemingly continue to reach for in “developing my strengths” or thinking about my “superpower” or giving someone my “elevator pitch” (all useful things, of course.)

I was pleasantly surprised when I found that some (not all) of what makes me feel strong- i.e. my ability to connect with others and see the best in them, generosity toward others, and a strong propensity to reflect and learn from life lessons – just also happened to be my strengths, the very things I did well and didn’t really give myself credit for.

What strengthens you that you may overlook in your daily life? How would your posture and the way you walk through the world change if you knew that your strengths actually depended on what made you feel strong – not what you think you did well for others? A wonderful writer and Buddhist Monk,Pema Chodron, asks, “Why do we look for strength in all the wrong places?”

I don’t know, Pema. Maybe because it’s easy. Maybe because we’re trained to from a young age. Maybe because everyone else does. I really don’t really know, but i think i’m starting to find the answer.

I try to acknowledge my emotions, but sometimes even after I “recognize” what I’m feeling, I just can’t shake the mood. At this point (which feels fatal), I’ve discovered that humor is a powerful tool in making my thoughts more “life-giving” as Parker J. Palmer puts so beautifully. Because life feels “unsurvivable” at times (another great Parker term) being light with our emotions drops some of the weight and makes the heaviness seem handle-able. 

It’s hard to access this state of mind in the moment, but when i do, it has a profound effect on my system. Instead of freaking out and letting my hormones go into full-tilt hard-wired mode and flood my system, I immediately interrupt them by being ruthless with my thoughts. Sometimes I even shake my head to jolt my brain. If you’re thinking: “But the point is that thoughts are hard to stop!” I totally understand this. But if I catch myself when I start to freak-out and PRACTICE bringing in humor, it’s much easier to pull myself back from the spiral of negativity I was so close to entering. As silly as it sounds, I laugh. Or tell a joke. Or don’t take myself so seriously. It’s even better if you’re with someone else in a similar mood and you do something funny or stupid or say something completely out of character that surprises them and makes them laugh. This stops the habitual pattern of remaining in, sitting in, the negativity that underlies a lot of my moods. It might sound desperate, but I love it. To be clear though, this isn’t the same thing as watching The Office or Scrubs or listening to something funny on the radio. It has to be active and it has to come from you.  

Ironically, bringing humor in and letting go adds to the feeling of power and control over my actions. I’m much more able to handle what’s on my plate and the project or blog post or article or pile of laundry feels less life or death.

I didn’t realize the impact of how humor affected me until I forgot to do it one day (vicious habits) and fell into my old mental traps. The results were disastrous and i chided myself for not remembering this cool tool that usually has a way of making me feel better. So when Parker asks, “Are your thoughts and actions “life-giving?” it touches me very deeply. Life-giving. Do they give you life? Do they give you back your life? Because sometimes it life feels like my life isn’t my own, it’s been hijacked by my thoughts and habits.

Humor gives me the ability to carry on living life. It allows me to make life-affirming and “life-giving” decisions, even in the midst of my thousand pound mood.

Did you do a double take on that headline? 

Did you think I was careless and made a typo? 

If you didn’t, congrats on being “detail-oriented” (I am on my resume.) 

If you did then you’re just like me. I read those words three times just to make sense of them in Susan Jeffers book Embracing Uncertainty (because yep, even in the middle of a great project, meaningful work,and great opportunity, lies weird transition-mode and full-blown uncertainty.) Not only is this a pretty big typo, I thought, but in the self-help genre it’s pretty careless to make a mistake like that knowing that your audience lives for the right words to inspire them. Warrior/worrier could make or break someone’s day, no?

Might sound melodramatic, but I believe Hazrat Inayat Khan when he says, “Words that enlighten the soul are more precious than jewels.”

Words matter. They matter to your grey matter. Words make a difference. I read books – whether business and marketing or spiritual – with full consciousness of what I’m consuming, and I’m serious about which words I give my attention to. Here’s why:

Words have a power and energy that goes beyond our subconscious mind. They sink in in ways we can’t quite make sense of. So when I realized it wasn’t a typo, I let the words really sink in and thought about the distinction between Warrior and worrier. It was this time – when I wasn’t judging, just contemplating, that I saw what a profound effect this seemingly little moment had on me. Like when i finally understood how to calculate tip at the end of a meal.

Here’s where I think Ms. Jeffers was going with this metaphor (illustrated by an embarrassing, but honest story.)

Tuesday I woke up with a mountain of anxiety. Too much to do, “branding” decisions which questioned my core, little control over resources. What’d I do? I freaked. I sat overwhelmed by it all and didn’t write the blog I wanted to, didn’t exercise and didn’t even order-in dinner let alone cook it. And on and on and on. I was a puddle lying on the floor in fetal position. You know how it is. 

Totally gave in to my worrier. Not only did I not do my “work” but I felt defeated that I succumbed to the spiral of negative thinking that has a life of it’s own. 

Cut to Wednesday, where I introspected a bit, regained (some) control over my mind, and made some progress.  Thursday rolls in and what happens? I wake up and house things. I rock out, do my work, make decisions, execute, delegate. All the stuff that the warrior part of myself naturally does. I felt powerful and efficient.

So what really changed? Same bed, same breakfast, same Lipton tea. Nothing at all, really.

Except EVERYTHING. I made the one defining choice that structured how my day went. I identified with the Warrior. I remembered what Tuesday felt like and chose to override every lame thought, idea, or habit pattern (because habits are a whole different category of crazy) that entered my mind that day. Did I wake up with anxiety, for sure. I don’t think entrepreneurs go for days (or moments) without it. Did I have too much to do? Yes. Did I have more control over resources than I did earlier? Not really, just had more control over my perception.

The only difference was my choice. I just chose to be the Warrior-me. I chose to give power to the parts of myself which moved me forward, not kept me in stagnant thinking. I realize how much of our daily state of mind, our thoughts, and in turn our actions, are influenced by the words we choose to identify with. The visuals and images and words that uplift us and make us remember our true inner potential, or the words that bring us down, are critical of ourselves and others, words that leave us in a cycle of self-hatred. 

The similarity in the words is THE point. The only point. 

Intellectually, i’ve known the power behind our choice of words, but this typo moment spun my head around it on a molecular level.

I was going to put a “worrier” pic next to the Warrior up there too – just to be fair to the side that’s within all of us and needs love and likes attention, but NO. Like words, visuals have power. And I’m choosing to focus on what makes me strong. The WARRIOR. The powerful, divine, honest, and strong part of myself that allows me to move forward.

Sometimes he kicks it with his worrier counterpart, othertimes he just kicks his ass.

hard worker!

You know you are when:

They’re professional and respectful – in person and especially in emails 

Where some people let their guard down, they err on the side of less, not more. They throw in bits of humor and insight instead of lengthy “casual” conversation.

And i’m no angel. I’ve been a culprit of sending emails that I dain to receive – it’s embarrassing when you realize the person on the other end is embarrassed for you. So I make it a practice to be conscious and present when I interact with others. 

That doesn’t mean that i’m not myself. It means I try every time to take the best of who I am and combine it with the professionalism I know I possess.

Also, people in the “creative” world aren’t married to the lax, disorganized, “hip” way of doing business. The best creative minds I know have respect for themselves and their work enough to present themselves in a professional manner and not just use the “artsy” way of doing things as a scapegoat for bad business etiquette.

They don’t respond to every email you send.

Know why? Because they’re busy doing actual work. I’ve been on the receiving end of emergency emails that were never really an emergency. I’ve also sent out emails, once 5 on the same day to the same person with different questions.

Heinous! Don’t do it.

Recently, I had a delightful experience working with a designer (this post is largely based on my interaction with him) who was uber calm about the information i sent his way. Whether it was files, ideas or feedback – he simply took the information he needed from my emails, did his work, and sent finished work back. He addressed my questions in the work, and if they needed clarification, explained them briefly.

It was a relief to not have a consistent stream of back and forth and feedback is just as easily done over phone or skype. Mission accomplished with little thrashing in between.

They take information (i.e. your chaos) and make sense of it.

Someone’s attitude about the information they receive is just as important as what they do with it. The people who are best at separating the wheat from the chaffe are also the ones who remain calm in the sea of endless information, ideas, and emails. They look at what they have, prioritize, and project a sense of control (even if they don’t have it internally!) on the work. 

I love it when a confident person sees chaos coming and doesn’t try to bolt. They simply ask great questions and respond with clear instructions of what they’ll do and how they’ll do it. 

I know it sounds like a lot to ask of a person. The thing is is that now that I’m aware I like this in others, I really try hard to practice it myself. It’s something that changes the way you walk through the world. 

They work fast.

It takes an enormous amount of mental energy to get over the inertia of starting a project. Once you do, you just want to get it done. I know I get frustrated during a stagnant phase of a project when it seems like no one’s doing anything. The web guy isn’t coding. You’re not thinking of ideas. The designer and copyeditor are MIA. 

All of a sudden one person gets back on their game and deliver fast, quality work and the momentum’s back (and that person is priceless.) 

Quick feedback loops are key. I usually respond to feedback the same day or next for projects, and it makes things run much smoother when you get people what they need in a timely way. It allows doesn’t allow for a stagnant period to creep in.

They offer opinions confidently and show their skills through the project, not by talking about them.

Recently, my designer described for me a direction to take with our project from his perspective: “From a design standpoint, the reason I did X was this,” and “from my experience, this is what I’ve learned and this is what i think.” He brought up facts I missed or hadn’t thought of and stated his point clearly. It’s always great to have someone creative thinking of ideas to excel.

They’re flexible working within your vision of the project.

They’re confident, but flexible. They don’t get irritated if their ideas aren’t used, and want what’s best for the project. I was relieved to hear from my designer when we differed on design elements, “No worries. I want you to be happy so i’m willing to work within this framework to make something you’re proud of.” That’s someone you want on your team, and even-mindedness goes a long way.

They’re on time with appointments and phone calls

Professionalism makes a strong impression. The best is to be a human, connect, and respect their time by keeping the conversation relegated to the task at hand. 

They’re meticulous and show interest in feedback

They listen when you talk. They take notes during meetings. They respond to feedback and questions through their work. Their inclination for self-improvement shows through through their striving.

They have forward motion 

They ask questions like, “What’s the deadline?” “What’s your vision for this?” “Have you thought about X?” “Can you send me X so I can finish Y and move onto Z?”

They think about actionable next steps and even if they’re hired for a particular aspect of the project, they’re in it for the long haul and say, “What’s the future of this?”

I had a revelation when my designer and I were almost done with our project, but there were still some tweaks that needed to be made. I asked him how he thought it was going. “If we were at 0% on Tuesday, I think we’re 70% there now.” I was relieved that despite all the great work we (he) had done, there was still room for improvement. It showed we were on the same page of how we measured quality and effort.

They have a make-it-happen attitude (the “MIH”)

If they’re not sure of something, they’re honest about it: “I’m not sure how familiar I am with X,” but then make an effort to find out. They research and think about it and come back with either a solution or an answer on how to find the solution. I don’t care if I have to google something and go on some forums, if someone asks me something I don’t know, I always feel it’s better to have something rather than nothing to offer. Usually I freak out internally for a while and then after that, do the legwork to figure it out. 

Having someone willing to solve problems outside of their expertise or think outside their comfort zone is such an asset. 

They get things done!

Fundamental, but true. And often overlooked. 

They may flail around and have anxiety over they’re work, but regardless, they deliver. They make deadlines (sometimes early!) and don’t worry that it might need tweaks or changes. Because it will. They realize that the sooner they get it done, the sooner they get feedback and can improve.

“An ounce of reliability is worth a pound of brains” is so true.

The day after i met and described a project to a designer, he had a template created. He sent it to me and not only did it show his design chops, but also his work ethic. Without referring solely to payment or legal stuff, he just went out and did a bunch of work with the risk of someone saying “I’m not sure i like that.” He put himself out there. I respect that tremendously. He didn’t wait 2 days to think about the project, wait another day to email me, and another day for me to get back to him. He just did it. 

Also, even though they discuss money, they don’t bring it to the forefront. They’re focused on the project and progress of it. That inevitably makes you want to pay them more than what they ask for! 

They have other things to do

This might sound crazy, but the fact that he wasn’t always available made me value our time and meetings about the project. Also, it showed me he was involved with other work and committments, something which successful people have in their lives. I had no qualms about him delivering what he said he would because he already proved he could. 

They’re genuinely nice people

In addition to being overall awesome and doing good work, it’s always a bonus when someone feels genuinely grateful that you like their work. Since my current designer is stellar, I can’t help but shower him with affection every time we talk. It’s just natural because I respect his effort and what he produces, and it’s always nice to hear, “Thanks, that means a lot.” 

This post actually scares me a bit because I realize how much demand there is for someone remarkable. That if you possess even a fraction of these qualities, you’re already a cut above the rest. Writing this makes me see how I need to revisit my own work ethic and ability to deliver. I’m going to use this post as a reminder to practice where I can improve. You should do it too!

The Ironman Triathalon doesn’t take just anyone. You not only have to know how to swim, bike, and run, but you have to be really good at all three to win.

The mindset of the successful Ironman competitor is simple. If you’re naturally talented at all three skills, you’ve got it made. You’re lucky and rare.

If you’re great at running and biking, but need to improve swimming, you have a hard road ahead. You don’t wince about the extra effort spent swimming because you realize it’s part of the race. If you don’t swim well, you don’t win, no matter how great you bike or run.

These competitors tell themselves “I’m going to get good at it” in order to accomplish their goal. Putting in the extra effort and concentrating on swimming, they often decrease their overall time in the race. They know the power of focused attention in the direction of a challenge; the extra time spent swimming is time well spent at the end of the race.

If you’re not good at all 3,why not win at something else?

A short and brilliant metaphor for the type of person you are is the “Be-Do-Have” model. Google it and you find thousands of examples to which this model has been ascribed, even one linking it directly to God http://www.taketheleap.com/create.html.

Al, a fellow SAMBA http://www.sixmonthmba.com and student of human behavior, brought it to my attention today excitedly after listening to me wax on about my aspirations the entire train ride to work. (He’s a good listener, so he should have expected that.)

The Be-Do-Have model describes two incredibly different patterns of thought. My personal experience today highlighted self-limiting beliefs and showed me that my arrow points sharply to the left, indicating that I’m a “have-do-be” person. Someone who needs to learn everything first, translate that knowledge into action, and then “become” an experienced person.

Intuitively, that classification felt right. I’ve always acquired knowledge first, then put it into action, then used that skill and applied it to my life. I feel more comfortable with all the facts and tools in front of me before I take action-a response to my fear of failure. Despite knowing that this method of mine does not work, I was still shocked to see it so clearly laid out in the Be-do-have model. 

The other arrow points directly to the right, a Be-Do-Have person. This person feels the way he wants to feel (happy, wise, compassionate) and acts from that feeling, creating actions and opportunities in line with who he “is”.  By acting in that direction, he ultimately gets what he’s always wanted to “have.” Intuitively, this feels like the right direction for me to move in.