I read something last month that I haven’t been able to get out of my head (especially this week.) It was a phrase from uberblogger, Danielle Laporte. She’s one the strongest gals I know so whenever she hands out piece of wisdom (wrapped with chutzpah), i listen.

She wrote: Your strengths are not necessarily the things that you do well, but rather the things that make you feel strong.”

I loved this as soon as I read it. It immediately focused my attention on something I like to think about a lot – self-care. Because a huge part of feeling strong is knowing how to care for yourself and give yourself what you need when you’re weak or strong. I liked this because it reminded me of what enriched me or nurtured me, in essence, what made me feel strong. To be fed is what makes me feel strong.

It took the focus off the things that I seemingly continue to reach for in “developing my strengths” or thinking about my “superpower” or giving someone my “elevator pitch” (all useful things, of course.)

I was pleasantly surprised when I found that some (not all) of what makes me feel strong- i.e. my ability to connect with others and see the best in them, generosity toward others, and a strong propensity to reflect and learn from life lessons – just also happened to be my strengths, the very things I did well and didn’t really give myself credit for.

What strengthens you that you may overlook in your daily life? How would your posture and the way you walk through the world change if you knew that your strengths actually depended on what made you feel strong – not what you think you did well for others? A wonderful writer and Buddhist Monk,Pema Chodron, asks, “Why do we look for strength in all the wrong places?”

I don’t know, Pema. Maybe because it’s easy. Maybe because we’re trained to from a young age. Maybe because everyone else does. I really don’t really know, but i think i’m starting to find the answer.

I try to acknowledge my emotions, but sometimes even after I “recognize” what I’m feeling, I just can’t shake the mood. At this point (which feels fatal), I’ve discovered that humor is a powerful tool in making my thoughts more “life-giving” as Parker J. Palmer puts so beautifully. Because life feels “unsurvivable” at times (another great Parker term) being light with our emotions drops some of the weight and makes the heaviness seem handle-able. 

It’s hard to access this state of mind in the moment, but when i do, it has a profound effect on my system. Instead of freaking out and letting my hormones go into full-tilt hard-wired mode and flood my system, I immediately interrupt them by being ruthless with my thoughts. Sometimes I even shake my head to jolt my brain. If you’re thinking: “But the point is that thoughts are hard to stop!” I totally understand this. But if I catch myself when I start to freak-out and PRACTICE bringing in humor, it’s much easier to pull myself back from the spiral of negativity I was so close to entering. As silly as it sounds, I laugh. Or tell a joke. Or don’t take myself so seriously. It’s even better if you’re with someone else in a similar mood and you do something funny or stupid or say something completely out of character that surprises them and makes them laugh. This stops the habitual pattern of remaining in, sitting in, the negativity that underlies a lot of my moods. It might sound desperate, but I love it. To be clear though, this isn’t the same thing as watching The Office or Scrubs or listening to something funny on the radio. It has to be active and it has to come from you.  

Ironically, bringing humor in and letting go adds to the feeling of power and control over my actions. I’m much more able to handle what’s on my plate and the project or blog post or article or pile of laundry feels less life or death.

I didn’t realize the impact of how humor affected me until I forgot to do it one day (vicious habits) and fell into my old mental traps. The results were disastrous and i chided myself for not remembering this cool tool that usually has a way of making me feel better. So when Parker asks, “Are your thoughts and actions “life-giving?” it touches me very deeply. Life-giving. Do they give you life? Do they give you back your life? Because sometimes it life feels like my life isn’t my own, it’s been hijacked by my thoughts and habits.

Humor gives me the ability to carry on living life. It allows me to make life-affirming and “life-giving” decisions, even in the midst of my thousand pound mood.

What if for one day you lived as honestly and as raw as you could – and told yourself you were right about every single thing you did and said and thought. What if you operated from the space that not one single opinion mattered except yours and that you had every ounce of knowledge, every piece of wisdom, every significant experience that you needed to live the fullest life you imagined. What if you welcomed whatever consequences arose from that day?

Bad or good, what if you accepted them because they were yours? 

Does that change the space from which you operate? Does it change how much you say and to whom you say it? Does it allow you to be more fully alive, alert, at attention with everything you are? Or does it make you feel silly, awkward, maybe scared?  

Perhaps it does both. Like it does for me every time I open myself up to, well…me. And while i can’t do it everyday, this exercise, this experiment in truth (Gandhi did a lot of these), is not one of delusion but one of extreme honesty and integrity in learning about myself. 

On that day, seeking nothing more, wanting nothing less, I am simply a vessel for myself.

These phrases have great intentions, but offer less solace to those trying to make real change. While it may seem like the right thing to do, big sweeping decisions that alter the course of our lives can overshadow the smaller, more powerful lessons we can learn from these times. It doesn’t have to be, “Should I stay in this job or should I stay with my husband?” It can be much simpler: “Why do i feel this way about this person?” “Why haven’t I felt comfortable at this job?”  ”What efforts should I make now to get to where i want to be 3 years from now?”

Everything happens for a reason, but the reason is much simpler than we think. Perhaps it isn’t to teach every Wall St. analyst to quit his job, take up his dreams, and embark on a life based on his passions. What if the reason was just: learn something. Anything. About ourselves, our lives, our dreams, our goals. If instead of Earth-shattering realizations we learned the small lessons that ultimately created powerful changes in our lives, we would really be taking advantage of these troubling times.

Let’s not make it all or nothing. Let’s not get depressed if we’re unsure of our dream job or the career we want to create or be who we want to be. Let’s not feel upset at the person who uses this time to turn their life around and fulfill their dreams. Let’s create our own opportunity out of these times and learn something that sustains us for true transformation.

Transformation doesn’t happen overnight, though we fight to make it so. Sometimes it does, but it’s not fun to wait around for it. Embrace new ideas and goals and paths in your life with gusto. But if you find yourself overwhelmed, rest assured that you’re not alone, and that it’s completely normal to feel that way. Instead of trying to change everything in massive strokes, realize the lesson you need to learn from this time, be it saving a bit more money, taking stock of who you want to spend time with, giving more attention to self-care, do the thing you’ve been avoiding, stop running away from a problem.

It’s not just the BIG things we need to change and learn about from these times. Quite often the little steps lay the foundation for a great path, and it’s the smaller lessons that shape the way we lead our lives.

We talk a great deal about shapes. Boxes and lines and filling vacuums. Drawing yourself inside or outside the box, stepping outside of the lines, and filling up space when there is space to fill.

I also hear “We’ve come full circle” which amuses me even more.

It’s interesting how these shapes describe simply and elegantly our framework for how we view the world. You’re not left ruminating about what type of a person you are, or where you should stretch yourself, or where you feel most comfortable.

You’re either inside the box or on the outside. You either fill the space or you don’t.

Sometimes you’re a square, sometimes you’re not.

Shapes put a moratorium on thinking and analyzing and anxiety. They tell you quietly and directly what shape you should take next. Maybe your current shape is confining something another shape may enhance.

They motivate without being in your face. They’re just shapes, after all.

Sometimes it’s not intellectual discourse that you need, or analysis or feedback or lessons. Sometimes it takes a shape to help you see what you already know. A box or triangle or line that helps you come “full circle.”